home on a rainy night

I just got a haircut and I LOVE it. I've gotten alot of cruddy haircuts lately and this is the first one I've had in a long time that I have been pleased with. Its not anything dramatically different. Just cleaned up, stacked in the back and I got a little bit of bangs cut. Its just right!

Not much new news on the house buying process. We got the house inspected, applied for the loan, now just waiting. Closing date will be on or before May 15th. I'm excited, but totally not looking forward to packing/unpacking (aka unorganization...you know me and my desire for cleanliness and organization). I am excited to "set up" the house and put everything in its place. We will have to buy a few things though. We need a fridge, lawn mower, and shed. Then there are things we want. I want a small desk, a twin bed with pop up trundle that fits under it, a dresser, and a toy box. One thing at a time, though, right?

I've been feeling a little overwhelmed and stressed lately. And when stress comes, IBS acts up! (I'm sure you wanted to know that...) Anyway, I get frustrated with dividing my time/energy/focus between my different responsibilities. I can't juggle it all at once. I wish I could keep all the balls in the air. You know, my mommy ball, my teacher ball, my youth ministry ball, my wife ball. I want to be able to keep them circulating and moving and happy. But instead I am forced to pick one ball at a time and the rest are laying on the ground...just waiting.

And I feel a great deal of guilt.

But over the past year, I have realized that God doesn't need me. He is God and he still works regardless of whether or not I can juggle it all. I am working on losing the idea that everything depends on me to keep going but instead trying to practice depending and trusting in God to juggle those balls instead. I just need to give them to God.

I can imagine God saying, "Hand over the balls... and no one gets hurt!"

I am a dork.

I am also convicted about not being prepared. Now...I am a preparer and a planner. But only for things that concern me and my work. But I've realized lately that I am not preparing my self, my mind, and my heart for HIS work.

For example, I want to spend time in his word. Yet I do nothing to prepare my self for time for that. I could go to bed 30 minutes earlier, so that I can get up 30 minutes earlier in the morning to spend time with him. But instead, I stay up 30 minutes later watching TV or playing on the computer.

Also, I want to be a servant and help other people. But I don't prepare my heart and mind to expect those types of situations to come up during the day. For example, a friend comes in my classroom at the end of the day to talk to me. Instead of eagerly embracing that expected situation to be a Christlike confidant, I get irritated that my time and routine has been interrupted.

So...I'm definitely working on not feeling guilt and worry for not living up to what I think I should be, but also trying to find practical ways to be what I know God wants me to be.

Hope all that rambling made sense...it did to me.