Balance is for the birds...

My heart has been very unsettled lately. I feel like I'm not doing enough for the people whose lives I am supposed to be impacting everyday... my students and their families, the youth at my church, and even my husband and own children. I told Jeff last night that the only way I know how to explain it is that I feel like I'm just giving people an obligational pat on the back instead of a full on embrace. I have been racking my brain trying to figure out how I can fix this problem and end up feeling discouraged because its hard to balance it all without focusing too much on one area and ignoring another.

I absolutely know that I am not the only woman that struggles with this. But I am sick and tired of trying to balance the different areas of my life. I go to work and feel guilty that I'm not with my kids and wish I were with them. I go home with my family and feel guilty that I didn't stay a little later to really prepare for the next day for my students. I drop my kids off at a sitters to go to a youth event and feel guilty for leaving them. I bow out of a youth event to stay home with the kids and feel guilty that I wasn't there for the youth. And all throughout this day in day out process I am basically worrying and wishing life away.

We have always been told that we just need to find a good balance.

Well I am pretty convinced at this point in life that balance is not always a good thing. I have a hard time finding it in the first place. The few times that I do find it, I am constantly wondering how "balance" is glorifying to God.

So why not just chunk the whole idea of finding balance and dump all the different "lives" that I have and "roles" that I play into the same mixing bowl?

...I know. It doesn't really make sense to me yet either, but I am determined to try it and see if it makes a difference.

Why balance is a bad thing...

It is stifling. It puts time restraints and limits on how much of my heart I am going to give to something. Balance says that I will only give this amount of love/energy so that I won't feel guilty for not giving the same amount to this other person/thing. Sure that might be beneficial to ME...to protect my own feelings. But how in the world is that benefiting the good of others? Balance diminishes full potential and purpose. It leaves little room for God to work and give us strength in what we do when we are the ones trying to manage and control when and how much we are going to do and give.

"And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him." -Colossians 3:17

"I can do everything through him who gives me strength." - Philippians 4:13

I can only imagine that a person who fully embraces these 2 verses would have fewer problems integrating their roles into one big God glorifying purpose.

Now...I'm not really quite sure how this integration of roles in my life should look like. I have a few ideas. I envision my son playing with a needy kid in my class while I talk and build a relationship with the kid's mother. I've always wanted to do more with my job as a teacher and wanted to take it outside of school hours, but always thought, "No, I have a family...I can't do that." Well, why the heck not? Why not, bring my family along and have them build relationships with the other members of that family too? Same thing applies with youth ministry. Teenage girls (and boys too even) love being around my kids. And my kids are pro's at killing awkward silence when meeting one-on-one with a youth. Why not bring them along or invite a teenager over. My family should not have to be separated from that. And all the while, my kids would be seeing us building relationships and sharing God's love with others. In return, it would only be more natural for them to do that on their own when they are grown.

The above paragraph is my desire. I don't know if I can make that happen or not, but it sure does sound a lot more freeing and God-driven than finding "balance" in my life. What are your thoughts?

Simple Woman's Daybooks

For Today, Thursday, February 23rd

Outside my window...absolutely beautiful day! I went running this morning and the weather was perfect. After school we rode bikes/wagons around the block and jumped on the trampoline. I LOVE being outside and hate any kind of weather that stops me from going out.

I am remembering...Why I wanted to be a teacher in the first place. Sometimes I get stuck in a rut. I haven't been feeling unhappy with teaching, but had felt like I had lost a little passion for it. But after having a student teacher and not being able to have my class to myself for a while made me miss it bad! I also remember telling myself in college that I felt called/wanted to be at a low-income school/area. I know that sounds weird...whatever...you don't have to understand me. And I definitely am in that place...and I love it. I'm not saying it doesn't stink sometimes or that I don't want to bawl my eyes out at the end of some days, but its just what I need to do and have to do.

I am thankful for...my husband. He does little things all the time to help me out. Give the kids a bath, load the dishwasher, go get a huge list of groceries. But the other day I sent him a text saying that I had forgotten my students folders and a stack of important papers at home and saying that I was tired and dragging. He showed up at my school about 30 minutes later with the folders/papers, a Diet DP and a "hidden message" in the folders that said, "I hope you have a great day." Love that man.

I am creating...I was just thinking that I had not really created anything in a while. Hadn't had much time for it. I have been thinking about buying some canvases for the kids to paint on to hang in our play room. The room is done, but needs wall art and I might also sew some curtains to hang down there.

I am going...well COLIN is going to start T-ball lessons next week! I'm so excited. His team will be the Pirates!

I am reading...Finished Radical (Loved it!) and have not picked up a new book yet. Still debating on what to read. I have a TON of books here and already on my kindle to choose from. Just a matter of picking which one to read. But I am reading through the book of Romans and loving it. Good stuff.

I am hoping...Colin's correct dosage of medicine is reached quickly. We up the dose about once a month. Every time I see improvement, so it IS working, but its a slow process of slowly upping it. I'm just impatient I guess. But praise God that it works for him without all the crazy personality/mental changes that it does for some kids. I was extremely fearful of all of that when we started him on the meds.

On my mind...foster care or adoption...still. I really think we will eventually do it. We just want to wait a few years.

From the learning rooms...just enjoying being back with my kiddos. We are reading leveled books every week, counting objects up to 20, writing stories everyday, and learning about living and non-living objects. Next Friday is Dr. Seuss Day and then the next week we will begin our Texas unit (my favorite!!!)

Pondering these words..."I think we forget that having faith in God involves us being faithful TO God." -Jeff Stapleton

From the kitchen...We've done ENTIRELY too much eating out/eating on the go because of our crazy schedules lately. But I have full fridge thanks to Jeff. Tonight is fend for yourself, but tomorrow will be fried egg burgers!

Around the house...I'm so ready to buy some potted flowers for my front porch. Its looking rather dull out there. Flowers and plants really make me smile.

One of my favorite things... Carley's giggle. It is a sound that spreads joy. I could be in tears, and her laugh and smile can change it all. She has also starting "Love you" but it sounds like "La-Shu." I love her.

A picture from my album... We had an eventful weekend. Jeff's sister, Jenni, had baby Eli. Colin was also the ring bearer in the wedding for Jeff's cousin, Kristin's, wedding. So here are pictures of 2 very special and precious boys.

Dear 21 year old me...

I guess since Valentines Day is approaching, I wanted to honor my husband, Jeff, by posting this letter. This is a letter that I wrote to myself. I wrote it today but am addressing my past self...myself 8 years ago when we were first married.

Dear 21 year old me,

You didn't know what you were doing. You didn't know who you were marrying. You thought you were marrying Prince Charming. You thought you were marrying innocence. You thought you were marrying someone who was going to work his way up in the technology department and eventually make some big bucks. You thought y'all were going to work really hard to save a ton of money and buy a huge house and boat and nice cars. You thought marriage and life was going to be a breeze and you'd live happily ever after.

You didn't know that he would break your heart and disappoint you. You didn't know that he wouldn't be able to meet all your needs. But you also didn't know that he was never intended to because there is a God who CAN meet all your needs.

You didn't know that God would take hold of his heart the way that He violently did. You thought you were already in love with him. You didn't know that watching his heart be radically changed by God would not only capture your heart but would change your own heart as well.

You didn't know that the man you married could be so disciplined and hard working. You didn't know how extremely intelligent and creative he was. You didn't know how much he would end up loving to read and didn't know that he would lay in bed next to you and read EVERY night for hours on end. You also didn't know that he would hog the dinner conversations to talk about things he was passionate about...photography, guitars, and the re-telling of what he'd read so far in his current nightly readings. You didn't know that he'd be so different from you but that his character would fascinate you so much. You didn't know that your opposite personalities would work so well together.

You didn't know that he would actually follow through with obeying God's call to the ministry. You didn't know how much he would teach you about God's word and God's character. You and him both said that you'd NEVER do youth ministry. You didn't know that you would...and that you would work together to do it...and actually love it. You didn't know that you'd both make pay cuts by moving and starting ministry. You didn't know that there would be some months that yall would crunch numbers and wonder how you'd make it. But you also didn't know that God would always provide.

You didn't know that he would make you feel the way he would. That when you were trying to be mad at him and yell at him that he would end up making you laugh with a dumb facial expression or a stinky fart. And that on the worst days of your life, you'd just want him and no one else.

You didn't know that he would start losing his hair or that you'd see wrinkle lines around his eyes when he smiles. But you didn't know that for some reason he'd be so much more handsome to you now than he was when you married him.

You didn't know that watching him be a Daddy would give you such a clear picture of God's love for his children. You didn't know how much of a huge role he'd play in raising our kids. You didn't know how LOUD he could be when playing with them or how overly excited the kids would be every time they hear that carport door open upon his return.

You didn't know it would be this hard, but you didn't know that it would be this rewarding. You didn't know you would be capable of loving someone this much. You didn't know you would thank God for him everyday.

Love,

A thankful wife of almost 8 years

Sanctity of Life...

This has always been a big debate between Christians and Unbelievers. Pro-life or Pro-choice. I want to share with you some bits and pieces from our pastors sermon a few weeks ago. These thoughts are not mine, but come from the heart of a man of God, and more importantly, come from the Bible.

Love = an intentional action which counters all forms of hatred, indifference, and violence towards anyone, with the love that they have received from God through Christ.

Hate = the devaluing or indifference of human life.

1 John 3:11 commands us to love one another. Verse 16-18 tells us how to do that.

"This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers. If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth."

The Sanctity of Life involves WAY more than just the topic of Pro-life vs. Pro-choice. It has everything to do with love vs. hate. The Sanctity of Life is not an idea to protect just the unborn. It is to protect and value ALL life. So things like racism, salvery, abuse/neglect of children and elderly, and pornography are all issues that deal with the devaluing of God's finest creation.

It boils down to hate and selfishness. A friend of mine quoted on facebook, "Since when did our 'choice' hold value over 'human life?'" He said this in reference to abortion, but how true is that for the way that Christians and non-Christians alike choose to hate and devalue the life of another. I find it interesting that many Christians (including myself) think, "Well yeah, I love others. I'm not mean, I would never hurt a fly." But the kicker is in verse 17 above for me... indifference is included as a form of hatred. Choosing to do nothing about a person in need is devaluing their life and is therefore, hatred. Dang...

I just recently read a debate on facebook between some mutual friends. There was about 45 comments worth of arguments defending pro-life or pro-choice. It was very sad to me that someone would have so much hatred and bitterness built up that they felt their rights or choices were more important than someone that God created. Yet at the same time, it saddens me when Christians spend more time and energy trying to prove they are right than they do loving those who are lost. In the definition of love that I typed earlier in this post it said that love is an action that counters hatred "with the love they have received through Christ." Why would you expect someone to be "pro-life" if they have not received love through Christ?

I'm not saying that we as Christians shouldn't speak against abortion or racism or any of those other issues. We are most definitely called to stand up for the justice of others. But the root of the problem is not found in the depths of a debate on abortion. The root of the problem is that we cannot truly love others unless we have experienced the unconditional love of Jesus Christ.

In an effort to get me out of my funk...

I've been in a funk this week. I have a terrible sinus infection so I feel like poo and have just been emotional and insecure. So, instead of complaining about it or talking about anything too serious, I just want to write a light hearted and fun post. It will be of no benefit to you, but here goes it...

10 things you need to know about me...

1. I love Jesus. Like really. I've struggled for a long time with having a lack of passion for him and feeling like I'm not 'in love' with him. But I've realized lately how much that has changed over the past few years. I still have a long way to go, but I love him and depend on him. He has my heart.

2. I love garage sales and flea markets. And I love them even more because my husband loves them too. That is like a dream date for us. I love Canton...and I don't mean the cute boutique stuff at the front. I like to bypass all of that and get into the section toward the back where you weed through people's old crap. Its so exciting!

3. I do not like animals. I'm not scared of them or grossed out by them. I promise I don't hate your dog or cat. I just don't get attached and I sure as heck don't want to take care of one either. So I will be that mom that tells my kids NO when they ask to keep a pet. Colin, however, does not like animals either so I'm pretty sure he won't ask.

4. Words are important to me. They make me feel loved or unloved. A little compliment can keep me going for a long time. An insult can rock my world. And a lack of words or wasted, useless words are even worse.

5. I don't require a lot from friends. I need friends and love them, but feel like I'm a crappy friend in return because I forget that other people need more from me than I might expect from them. Don't know if that even makes sense.

6. I wish I was a better reader. I think people who read a lot are so cool. I enjoy reading, but it takes me forever because I have to reread a lot to understand OR I fall asleep.

7. I fall asleep super fast. I could sleep standing up. When my head hits the pillow at night, I'm usually out in 2 minutes.

8. I want to learn to play the cello...BAD! It is absolutely my favorite, favorite instrument ever!

9. I'm super excited about Colin starting T-ball this spring, but nervous about being around other T-ball moms. I know I'll learn, but I know nothing about sports. I wouldn't know if my son did something wrong or not. And I'm certainly not competitive or hard core about it all. I hope there is atleast one other mom there that will be like me!

10. I love my husband and kids to pieces. I feel like I'm cool by association with them. Haha! Jeff is just a fun man to be around. His brain fascinates me...and so do his looks! *wink wink* And Colin is so affectionate and quirky and intense. He is a neat kid. And my Carley is an independent girl with a fun and happy personality. I just love love love them.

What to do...

I have never claimed to be a good or organized writer, and I'm certainly not claiming that today. My thoughts and desires are all over the place. As I attempt to convey what is on my mind and heart...I apologize if you leave my blog more confused than when you started.

I am notorious for thinking everything is a great idea. Im not usually apprehensive about life changes. This can be a good thing, but sometimes it leaves my mind confused and my heart unsettled. Jeff can even tell you the list of things that I have mentioned in the last year that we should do with our life. I've mentioned mission work, moving, job changes, you name it! So, with all of these "ideas" flying through my head I find it difficult to be obedient to God. Which one (if any) are we to do, God?

I wanted to share my latest thought with you. Now, I'm not saying we ARE going to do anything. I'm just saying its been heavy on my heart for a few months and I want to look into what this looks like for our family. The word "orphan" has been heavy on my heart. The Bible commands us in James chapter 1 to take care of the widows and orphans. This idea of taking care of orphans used to be an 'option' but has now turned into a command for me.

I have thought and prayed about foster care and possibly adoption. It makes my heart race when I even say those words. For one, because it stirs my heart and for two, because it scares the crap out of me. It just seems so messy. Financially and emotionally. I mean not having any idea what this child might be like that is about to join your family and then getting attached and then being heartbroken when that child is ripped from your arms to go somewhere else. And I don't want to even think about what that will mean for us financially.

Every time that the Bible's command to take care of the orphans has been mentioned lately those words, "foster care" come to mind. Every time I read scripture about justice, the words "adoption" come to mind too.

Micah 6:8 says, "He has shown you, O man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God."

For some reason it seems like taking care of the orphans is ALL OVER that verse. Maybe its just me, I don't know. But what a complete injustice it is for a child to not have a place to call home. What an injustice it is for a child to be ripped from their mother or father's arms...even if it DID need to happen for the good of that child. A good friend of mine always says, "To a child, a bad mother is better than no mother at all."

And lately I think about my own children. Its not fair that my sweet kids get to come home everyday knowing that they will be loved and fed...and other children dont know that. Now I'm not saying that I have a perfect home or that we are perfect parents. We yell, we spank...alot, and I will even admit that "not nice words" are known to come out of my mouth when my patience is thin. No we are not perfect. But yes, our family loves each other and we are all taken care of. Why should we hoard the joy that we have in our home for just us. We were never intended to keep what God has given us for ourselves. Whether that be money, resources, talents, time, or even loving homes. Why not open our home to a child that has no idea that this kind of love even exists.

I recently heard a song that says, "I don't have to worry and I don't have to be afraid. Cause you are God. Yes, you are God." That one line spoke to me on so many levels. If I were to choose this path of somehow taking care of an orphan, I don't have to worry or be afraid of the messiness of it all because He is God! But then also, I wonder how many orphans or displaced children even know that they don't have to worry or be afraid. Do they even know this God?

I know I cannot change the world. But what a joy (and a trial) it would be for one child to not have to be afraid. For one child to join our family...even if only temporarily...and to come to know this God.

So there are my incomplete thoughts and desires. No I'm not saying we are going to do this. I'm not saying we are not. This could be the first step of something that could come a few years later, or it could be another one of my crazy ideas that will fade away once I get a new idea. In all honesty, I kind of hope it doesnt fade away, because we are commanded to do something about this injustice. Now, I know some of you might be thinking "You are taking this too seriously...You can just send a little money here or there or pray for the orphans and thats good enough." I've thought that myself. But if this is heavy on my heart, and I ignore it, then I am afraid of what I might miss out on that God has in store for us. And I would hate for a child to miss out on what God has in store for them. I don't want to compromise God's will for "good enough."

Simple Woman's Daybook

For Today, Monday, December 19, 2011

Outside my window...like...not even cold! It's in the mid 60's. But I am NOT complaining. I hate cold weather.

I am remembering... Christmas as a child. My grandparents would spend the night at our house (even though they only lived 2 minutes away). We would all pile in my brother's stinky room to sleep since the grandparents had to sleep in mine and my sister's room. And my grandmother would make the BEST breakfast on Christmas morning. Egg in a basket and sausage rolls. Mmmmm.....

I am thankful for...my job that allows me to have 2 weeks off for Christmas.

I am creating...ehem...you mean "already done created." I finally finished the play kitchen for the kids Christmas. The most expensive thing was the faucet ($20) which I was not real happy about buying. I had originally bought a J pipe for the faucet and some cheap faucet handles, but it just didn't work out because there was no possible way to attach the stinkin thing. Can't wait for them to see it!

Before...

And after...

Soon...I will post a new creation that I made that I am super excited about. But you'll have to wait, because its someone's christmas present and they might find it on here!

I am going...to Arlington for a week tomorrow. Santa is coming early to our house tonight before we leave town!

I am reading...there will hopefully be lots of reading since I am on a 2 week break from school. My goal is to finish the tail end of Redeeming Love and finish the tail end of Radical. I think I only have 2 chapters left in each book. Then if there is time, I will start a new one. Any suggestions?

I am hoping...the next 2 weeks goes by SLOOOOWWW!

On my mind...Wastefulness. It's a huge pet peeve of mine. Yet, I am really good at wasting. I don't like food wasting, money wasting, and especially time wasting! It all boils down to being a good steward.

From the learning rooms...our lesson planning revolves around pinterest. Which may not be such a great thing, but we don't care. It has re-motivated us to do some new stuff!

We have had this in a center...

Made "rain" for a science experiment...

And I am excited to someday make these for my small group table...

Noticing that...my baby girl is almost 18 months old! It makes me sad that she really is not a baby anymore, but it is a BLAST to watch her grow. She is a hoot.

Pondering these words..."Let us hold tightly without wavering to the hope we affirm, for God can be trusted to keep his promise. Let us think of ways to motivate one another to acts of love and good works." -Hebrews 10:23-24

From the kitchen...Going out to eat using a Jalapeno Tree gift card from some sweet sweet friends.

Around the house...we got some pretty new hardwood floors in our living room thanks to Jeff and my Dad. Jeff worked really hard to sand them and then my dad came over Thanksgiving break while we were out of town to stain them. Those 2 guys are just stinkin handy...

One of my favorite things... when I have the perfect chip to dip ratio.

A picture from my album... my little guy!