struggling

I've been struggling lately with blogging! There have been quite a few times lately that I have started a new post just to erase and start over 3 or 4 times...then I just give up and quit. And when I DO blog and actually post it...I think, "well, that was boring!" But its frustrating, because there has been lots going on and lots I've been feeling. So I feel like I have lots to say! So why am I having such a hard time getting it out in words?

So I really have no idea where this post is about to go...or if it will make sense or possibly be misunderstood...or if it will even interest anyone! But here I go...

I've been having weird emotions about my kids lately. I'm so very back and forth. One minute I am almost in tears because they are growing so fast. Colin is almost 4! I find myself babying him alot because I feel like he is slipping from my fingertips and Im trying to squeeze in as much hugs, kisses, and holding as I can before he's too old for that. Same with Carley. The first year of her life is already halfway over! I think Im emotional about it because Im not for sure if there will be any more baby notelpats after this. There might be, but in case there is not I want to soak in every bit of this that I can.

However, there are also moments that I really desire to do something without my kids. *Gasp* I know there are some mom's who would really think less of mom's that desire time away from there kid's. But I promise I love my kids....a whole stinkin lot! But I also love my husband a whole stinkin lot and would love to do something with him that is not a youth event where tons of teenagers are around. So I struggle with desiring to be away and also feeling a little guilty for wanting to be away from them.

Then I also struggle with getting childcare for my kids. There are quite a few people that have offered to keep my kids...and I totally trust them and would not worry about my kids being with them. But Im bad about planning in advance. I wait until the day of to want to ask someone and then I end up not asking at all cause Im afraid they already have plans or if they do say yes Im afraid they are really not wanting too. I know that is the enemy's lies. When Colin was a baby we took him to this daycare for a few months that was not that great. I could tell the ladies hated there job and didnt want to be there. There is nothing worse than leaving your kid with someone who doesnt want to keep him. I guess I fear that happening again. And it wont....I mean these people have even offered already! I just need to plan in advance...and ask!

Then I get frustrated that my amount of leftover time and energy (and money even) does not match up with the things I want to do! I want to work out at a gym, sew and do crafts, read books, go see my families on the weekends, etc. and none of those things are happening for me! I also get a little sad because I'm afraid that I am hurting some of my friends/familys feelings for not giving them enough time.

The "working mom of 2" life is hard.

Don't get me wrong...I'm not complaining. I love my life SO much and have so much to be grateful for! I am thankful for my job during tough economic times. And I am grateful for my kids...and I'm not complaining about money...we have enough! I guess thats another reason why I have struggled with blogging. Every time I try to write, I feel like it sounds like I am complaining. So I apologize if that's what it sounds like.

So, thats what has been on my mind/heart lately. Loving my family, and loving my husband, and loving my friends and family. Even loving a little time to myself. But not feeling like there is enough of me to give to all of those things that I love. But I know most people feel that way, right?