A weird Monday...

I had tears in my eyes the whole way to work, my heart racing at how I should even respond on a day like today. I didn't even want to go to that place but knew I was completely responsible for making today as "normal" as possible. 

I visualized my classroom and decided I could fit every single one of my students in my bathroom if needed in an emergency. A 50+ year old bathroom that I have always complained about smelling so bad, has suddenly become a bit comforting to me.

I walk in the door holding my little boy's hand and drop him off in the cafeteria, as is our normal routine. I smile and tell him to have a good day, but I'm really wanting to just take him home and go get my baby girl at the daycare as well. I exchange looks with coworkers and administrators as I walk to my classroom. Lots of smiles and "Good morning!" exchanges. But their eyes look weary and nervous.

Its an understood sentiment among the teachers and staff that no one wants to be there, but yet at the same time, today is a day that a teacher's calling has never been felt stronger.

When 20 young children are killed just a few days before in the Newtown, Connecticut shooting, parents are upset. Teachers are upset. Some of the older students who understand what happened are upset. 

Since becoming a mother, I have grown to love interacting with my student's parents. I love parent conferences. I love seeing their faces beam with pride when I talk about their child. I even love seeing the loving look of concern when something is wrong. I love helping those parents who want to help their child but just don't know how. I know what they want to hear and how to word what they may not want to hear. But on this solemn Monday, I was hoping to avoid all parents because all of a sudden I couldn't tell them what they wanted to hear. I couldn't promise that their child was perfectly safe. I couldn't promise that I had what it took to keep 22 students from being harmed by a crazy person. 

As a teacher, you are responsible for the mass production of thriving and successful individuals. How devastating when that all comes to a screeching hault because of something that is completely out of a teachers control. 

That Monday was a wonderful day, however. We searched the school building for a "missing" gingerbread man that had run away. The secretary, nurse, librarian, custodian, etc. all played along as we asked them if they had seen our gingerbread man. Our secretary even sent me an email from the gingerbread man himself. We returned to our classroom to find the gingerbread man safe and sound and with a special gingerbread cookie snack at each seat. I've done this every year, but I cannot even explain the emotion that rose in me as we came in and my students reacted. Huge eyes, jumping and laughing, covering their mouths in disbelief that the gingerbread man came back with snacks for every one. One boy came to me and said, "This has been a weird day. But a really really great day!" I could not have said it better myself. 

I like to end my blog posts with a solution or an answer. A verse that wraps it up or something. But I've got nothing. I think I'm ok with the fact that through this tragedy I'm left with fear and humility. Yet at the same time I'm left with a confirmation of my calling to teach and an urgency to do it well.

postponed

Why do we live our life as though God is waiting on a new and improved future version of ourselves in order to love us.

My daughter is a royal mess.

These are the things I wish she would do:
1. Not mess up her brothers well planned out nascar race. And then laugh...
2. TeeTee in the potty
3. Eat a cracker without it looking like a hail storm hit my living room.
4. Say please and thank you and not scream demands at me.

But... I love my Carley. The way she is now. Because she is mine.

I would never tell her, "Come back in a few years when you are potty trained and have better manners. Then we will talk about this whole mother/daughter thing."

Why can we not understand that Christ's death on the cross was sufficient even for our current cruddy state? He did not postpone his love for the completed result of you. We exhaust ourselves with lists of our lists of things that we need to fix before we approach Jesus for a real relationship with him.

Why do I wish Carley would not do the above things? Because I love her too much for her to stay the way she is. I don't want her going on her first date with no manners and being a sprinkler of food. Now, does Carley have some awesome days, sure! There are days that I can tell she is even TRYING to please me! And how does her efforts change my love? It doesn't!

"You say, 'Come just as you are. So here I stand unholy. And I thank you, Lord, that you won't leave me that way."

Blind

I did not get glasses until I was in the 6th grade. I seriously don't know how I passed the vision tests from the school nurse every year before that, because I did not realize how blind I was until I got glasses.

The day I got glasses was exciting. I remember seeing individual blades of grass for the first time instead of a green blur. I didn't realize that when you looked at the clouds they could take interesting shapes and textures. I rode in the car with my brand new glasses and observed everything. I rode by buildings I had seen my whole life and never been able to read the signs or see defined squares called windows. I remember reading my street sign, "Kelly Terrace" where I lived. Most importantly, I could read a book without struggling and straining.

How interesting that in a more gradual process, I have had the same experience with my spiritual eyes understanding the Word of God. What use to be a blur has become so beautifully clear. What use to seem dull is now penetrating my soul. What use to be boring words have become the very words that I cling to. Most importantly, I can read the book without struggling and straining.

I see now that the problem was never the Bible. It was my eyes. I was blind and didn't know what I was missing out on.

However, I still have SO much to learn. There are many days I don't understand and feel frustrated by my ignorance. There are times I don't see the point of His words. Lord,  help in those times to perservere and seek you. Give me understanding and wisdom. Thank you God, for the Bible.

"Open my eyes that I may see wonderful things in your law." -Psalm 119:18

Ferris Wheel

I hate ferris wheels. The up an down makes me nauseous. And throughout the ride you see the same things over and over again. 

I think I ride a ferris wheel in every day life.

My daughter tee-tee's in the potty consistently all morning. I internally pat myself on the back for training her well. Later she decides to pull down her undies and flood the playroom 3 times in a row. I internally wonder how I lost control of my kid. I fear I'm losing her.

My son recites scripture about obedience and hiding the word in his heart. I think I've done the right thing to teach him the Word. Later we are in a shouting match about what's fair/not fair and end it all with a spanking and tears. I internally wonder how I lost control of my kid. I fear I'm losing him.

My husband thanks me for all that I do and then makes supper for us all. I think how our marriage is a good example of the way it should be and I'm proud. Later we are frustrated and miscommunicating about what he really meant when he said "I guess..." I internally wonder how I lost control of my marriage. I fear I'm losing him.

Am I the only who is in constant battle with my thoughts and heart? Its a constant pull between pride and fear. When things go my way, I credit myself and I'm happy. When Ive lost control of a situation and things don't go my way, I have fear that I'm losing something.

"Pride takes over because we come to believe that we are the right kind of people. Fear takes over because we dread losing control." -Richard Foster

I'm very excited about re-reading Celebration of Discipline by Richard Foster. As I am preparing my heart to begin studying Spiritual Disciplines, I'm begininng to see how much the above quote is true in even the little things of every day life. Its even more so true for my relationship with Christ.

I read the Bible in my bed at night and I'm excited about what I've learned. I internally credit myself for being a good Christian and have a sense of self-righteousness. Later I can't understand why that bad attitude or that selfish thought slipped into my day. I wonder how I lost control of my relationship with Him. I fear I'm losing Him.

I see now how much pride and fear screw everything up. I am so self-sufficient. And what a crummy person I am to depend on. These Spiritual Disciplines that I'm about to study do have the potential to accelerate the cycle of pride and fear and self-sufficiency in my relationship with Christ. The introduction to Foster's book warns against this.

"The needed change within us is God's work, not ours."

"Human striving is insufficient."

"Righteousness is a gift from God."

"God has given us the disciplines of the spiritual life as a means of receiving His grace."

He warns that there is potential for Disciplines to be morphed into "Laws." We all know what "Laws" did to the Pharisees. It caused externalism. It caused pride and judging. It caused a less than intimate relationship with Christ. 

"When we genuinely believe that inner transformation is God's work and not ours, we can put to rest our passion to set others straight."

I don't need to set God straight. I don't want to be on the ferris wheel of pride and fear and constant wondering where I stand with God. I HATE ferris wheels. I need to let Him work from the inside out. I have a feeling that the change in my heart would result in less pride and fear with my family as well. 

"He who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption; but he who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life." - Galatians 6:8

Just as a farmer prepares his field for nature to do the work, so am I preparing my heart for God to do His mighty work.

A lack of friendship...

Last week I had the opportunity to go to Houston on a mission trip with 6 of our students. It was such an eye opening experience. I honestly don't know how I'm going to write this post because we did SO much stuff and I have SO many thoughts about it all. I'll start with a few pictures from the trip. These are tiny pictures because they came from my phone. Sorry...

This was taken from the 60th floor of the Chase Tower downtown. It was a beautiful view of the city. It was hard to tell from that view that there were so many problems and needs in the city.

 We sported hair nets and gloves and made 1900 sandwhiches one morning for students who are on free and reduced lunch during the school year. The next day we got to hand deliver them to the children.

We took an awesome group of students. LOVE them...

We took a long time exploring downtown. We had the opportunity to ask some questions to homeless people, police officers, and business people to get different perspectives. 

Houston is the 4th largest city in the nation, and as of last year is the most diverse city in the nation (taking the place of New York City). It also has the highest homeless population in the nation. And boy was it evident. As we would tour the city and walk the streets, we would see homelessness and extremely impoverished areas everywhere. 

I had never heard this word before, but we learned about gentrification. Its basically when the wealthier population come in to the lower income areas. Nice new buildings or homes are built where run down ones used to be. Its a way of "economic planning" for the future of that city. I guess maybe the idea is to eventually push out the "low-incomeness" of areas. It sounds like a good thing. And in some ways it really is a good thing. But to see it in person is different. I wish I had taken a picture of the area we saw, but I didnt. So I found similar pictures to what we saw. 

We drove down a street where on one side we saw nice condos like this...

and directly across the street we saw homes like this...

I guess I have a hard time with gentrification when it comes to "city planning" if the impoverished and homeless are not included in that planning. Economically it makes sense for the city as a whole. But I think its forgotten that behind the doors of those run down and dirty houses are real people who may have no where else to go. Thats their home.

What was interesting, though, was that on the lower income side of the road I noticed a huge sense of community. People sitting on porches together, neighbors visiting with each other, people working on their cars together. On the condo side...not one person was to be found. 

One afternoon, we helped cook a meal for about 100 men in a drug rehab facitilty. I had the opportunity to work along side a man named "Country" who was a resident there and worked in the kitchen. He basically taught me how to cook! He showed me how to sautee and "keep that food moving." He taught me how to control my heat and not be afraid to taste it along the way. I swear he needs his own cooking show. He was so much fun!

Another evening, we had an opportunity to listen to the Salvation Army Harbor of Lights mens choir. The entire choir was former addicts. As I watched them, I couldn't help but notice their hearts of sincere worship. I felt convicted as I realized that I don't give God the same kind of worship as they were. 

Our last evening there, we went to a place called Bread of Life. They serve meals to the homeless community that is cooked by homeless culinary students. They fellowship together every evening (that particular night they had a paint night). Then they open up showers and line up as many mattresses as they can and let them sleep for the night. As they were setting up their beds for the night a couple of homeless guys lifted a wallet in the air and started yelling, "Family! Someone lost their wallet! Who's wallet?" Another sense of community. They called each other "family" all night long. And they protect each other and take care of each other. 

I expected to go to Houston and give to the needy. I didn't expect the needy to give back to me. I didn't expect to be taught by them.

Throughout the trip we had numerous opportunities to interact or work along side people who were homeless, kids in an impoverished area, or men in rehab. We sorted clothes, cooked and served food, packed lunches, etc. We were helping meet a lot of physical needs. But throughout the entire trip, I kept thinking of a quote from a video I watched about poverty. The quote stated that, "The definition of poverty is a lack of friendship." Sure we can help with physical needs. But real friendships with these people can go a long way. The best things that happened all week for me was finding out their names and about their families and what they like to do. It was then that the walls I had built between us began to fall down.

Carley is 2!

My girl is 2 today! I LOVE LOVE LOVE my little sidekick. She is always with me, always happy, and always making me laugh or smile. We butt heads every once in a while, because we are so much alike, but I am thankful for her companionship. So here is a 2 year update...

Age: 2 years today!

Weight: about 22 pounds, wearing 24 month clothes and size 4 shoes

Feedings: depends on her mood! Some days she keeps that mouth clamped shut and wants only snack foods. I don't fight her. She'll eat when she is hungry. She loves to eat cheese, blueberries, bananas, applesauce, chips (and dip), mac n cheese, yogurt, and rice.

Favorites: She loves putting on her shoes by herself to get ready to go "soutside", Her favorite things to do outside are to look for bugs, jump on the trampoline, and knock her brothers ball off his T. She loves books and wants to be read to ALL the time. She loves any kind of teasing games like hide and seek, chasing, and she likes to hide her toys and see if we can find them. She loves to sing and smile. She also loves to help me clean. She will fold clothes with me or follow me around with a baby wipe to clean off tables and counters. :)

Least Favorites: She does not like eggs. She still doesnt like it when I rinse her hair in the tub. 

Issues: She is a hitter sometimes. Colin never has and still doesnt hit. But he stayed with a little old lady with just one other kid until he was 2 and 1/2. Carley has been in daycare the whole time, so I think she just sees it more. She is a tiny girl, so maybe thats her way of holding her own??? Were working on it though. We always say, "Stapletons don't hit." Even Colin tells her that.

Personality: VERY silly. I think both of my kids are really funny. But Colin isn't trying to be funny, he's just quirky and says silly stuff on accident. Carley is intentionally funny. She tries to make people laugh. She has grown to be more cuddly than she used to be (which of course I won't reject!) She is usually independent, confident, and content.

Areas to Work On: getting her to eat more and stop hitting

New Things: Her beloved "paddy" (pacifier) is officially gone. Its been almost a full week without it and shes done fairly well. She has the hardest time when its time to go to sleep. But we've replaced the comfort of paddy for the comfort of momma rocking her to sleep. I'm definitely ok with that! It sure is funny to hear her crying and admist the tears say, "Paddy's gone gone!" 

Randomness: Colin and Carley are having a combined party at the bowling alley next weekend. (Colins birthday is in about 3 weeks) I have NO idea what to get them for their birthdays. Ideas?

Happy Birthday, Lita! I am thankful God blessed our family with you. 

You are wonderfully made!

Summer...

As Phineas and Ferb would sing, "Summer...every single moment is worth its weight in gold! Summer...its like the world's greatest story and its waiting to be told!" 

Summer is (almost) here! I have 8 days of school left and that's only with about 6 or 7 students in my class. So I'd say I'm pretty much done. Im very excited about our summer. The kids will not be going to daycare so it will include things like... swimming, going to the library, maybe going to some museums, squeezing a few short trips in to Arlington, vacation bible school, a bowling birthday party for both kids, a beach vacation, and then shopping for uniforms for Kindergarten! The kids will also be staying with their grandparents for 2 (separate) weeks while Jeff and I go to youth camp and to a Houston mission trip.

Here is a little glimpse into what has happened the past few weeks...

 Carley LOVES going to Colin's tball games. She doesnt really watch him much though. She just paces around and rearranges her fold up chair 100 times. 

 The kids are all settled in their new beds! Colin has mastered getting up and down without falling. Carley has a hard time falling asleep, but once she is asleep, she never gets back up! 

 We bought the kids new water guns and spent all evening on Saturday playing, grilling, and eating out in the back. It was a blast!

This girl has my heart. She has the funnest personality! I'm so thankful for her.

Colin has been working on memorizing bible verses and has done pretty well. We focus on about one per month. I just got him out of the habit of saying, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your shoulder, and all your strength..." He kind of starts running the verses together toward the end of this video, but if you know anything about Colin, you know his thoughts all run together...like his dad. He also has a few short seizures at the beginning of the video, but doesn't miss a beat after it. I'm so thankful that so far, his seizures are minor and do not interfere too much with daily life.



Hope everyone has a great summer!