Ferris Wheel

I hate ferris wheels. The up an down makes me nauseous. And throughout the ride you see the same things over and over again. 

I think I ride a ferris wheel in every day life.

My daughter tee-tee's in the potty consistently all morning. I internally pat myself on the back for training her well. Later she decides to pull down her undies and flood the playroom 3 times in a row. I internally wonder how I lost control of my kid. I fear I'm losing her.

My son recites scripture about obedience and hiding the word in his heart. I think I've done the right thing to teach him the Word. Later we are in a shouting match about what's fair/not fair and end it all with a spanking and tears. I internally wonder how I lost control of my kid. I fear I'm losing him.

My husband thanks me for all that I do and then makes supper for us all. I think how our marriage is a good example of the way it should be and I'm proud. Later we are frustrated and miscommunicating about what he really meant when he said "I guess..." I internally wonder how I lost control of my marriage. I fear I'm losing him.

Am I the only who is in constant battle with my thoughts and heart? Its a constant pull between pride and fear. When things go my way, I credit myself and I'm happy. When Ive lost control of a situation and things don't go my way, I have fear that I'm losing something.

"Pride takes over because we come to believe that we are the right kind of people. Fear takes over because we dread losing control." -Richard Foster

I'm very excited about re-reading Celebration of Discipline by Richard Foster. As I am preparing my heart to begin studying Spiritual Disciplines, I'm begininng to see how much the above quote is true in even the little things of every day life. Its even more so true for my relationship with Christ.

I read the Bible in my bed at night and I'm excited about what I've learned. I internally credit myself for being a good Christian and have a sense of self-righteousness. Later I can't understand why that bad attitude or that selfish thought slipped into my day. I wonder how I lost control of my relationship with Him. I fear I'm losing Him.

I see now how much pride and fear screw everything up. I am so self-sufficient. And what a crummy person I am to depend on. These Spiritual Disciplines that I'm about to study do have the potential to accelerate the cycle of pride and fear and self-sufficiency in my relationship with Christ. The introduction to Foster's book warns against this.

"The needed change within us is God's work, not ours."

"Human striving is insufficient."

"Righteousness is a gift from God."

"God has given us the disciplines of the spiritual life as a means of receiving His grace."

He warns that there is potential for Disciplines to be morphed into "Laws." We all know what "Laws" did to the Pharisees. It caused externalism. It caused pride and judging. It caused a less than intimate relationship with Christ. 

"When we genuinely believe that inner transformation is God's work and not ours, we can put to rest our passion to set others straight."

I don't need to set God straight. I don't want to be on the ferris wheel of pride and fear and constant wondering where I stand with God. I HATE ferris wheels. I need to let Him work from the inside out. I have a feeling that the change in my heart would result in less pride and fear with my family as well. 

"He who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption; but he who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life." - Galatians 6:8

Just as a farmer prepares his field for nature to do the work, so am I preparing my heart for God to do His mighty work.

A lack of friendship...

Last week I had the opportunity to go to Houston on a mission trip with 6 of our students. It was such an eye opening experience. I honestly don't know how I'm going to write this post because we did SO much stuff and I have SO many thoughts about it all. I'll start with a few pictures from the trip. These are tiny pictures because they came from my phone. Sorry...

This was taken from the 60th floor of the Chase Tower downtown. It was a beautiful view of the city. It was hard to tell from that view that there were so many problems and needs in the city.

 We sported hair nets and gloves and made 1900 sandwhiches one morning for students who are on free and reduced lunch during the school year. The next day we got to hand deliver them to the children.

We took an awesome group of students. LOVE them...

We took a long time exploring downtown. We had the opportunity to ask some questions to homeless people, police officers, and business people to get different perspectives. 

Houston is the 4th largest city in the nation, and as of last year is the most diverse city in the nation (taking the place of New York City). It also has the highest homeless population in the nation. And boy was it evident. As we would tour the city and walk the streets, we would see homelessness and extremely impoverished areas everywhere. 

I had never heard this word before, but we learned about gentrification. Its basically when the wealthier population come in to the lower income areas. Nice new buildings or homes are built where run down ones used to be. Its a way of "economic planning" for the future of that city. I guess maybe the idea is to eventually push out the "low-incomeness" of areas. It sounds like a good thing. And in some ways it really is a good thing. But to see it in person is different. I wish I had taken a picture of the area we saw, but I didnt. So I found similar pictures to what we saw. 

We drove down a street where on one side we saw nice condos like this...

and directly across the street we saw homes like this...

I guess I have a hard time with gentrification when it comes to "city planning" if the impoverished and homeless are not included in that planning. Economically it makes sense for the city as a whole. But I think its forgotten that behind the doors of those run down and dirty houses are real people who may have no where else to go. Thats their home.

What was interesting, though, was that on the lower income side of the road I noticed a huge sense of community. People sitting on porches together, neighbors visiting with each other, people working on their cars together. On the condo side...not one person was to be found. 

One afternoon, we helped cook a meal for about 100 men in a drug rehab facitilty. I had the opportunity to work along side a man named "Country" who was a resident there and worked in the kitchen. He basically taught me how to cook! He showed me how to sautee and "keep that food moving." He taught me how to control my heat and not be afraid to taste it along the way. I swear he needs his own cooking show. He was so much fun!

Another evening, we had an opportunity to listen to the Salvation Army Harbor of Lights mens choir. The entire choir was former addicts. As I watched them, I couldn't help but notice their hearts of sincere worship. I felt convicted as I realized that I don't give God the same kind of worship as they were. 

Our last evening there, we went to a place called Bread of Life. They serve meals to the homeless community that is cooked by homeless culinary students. They fellowship together every evening (that particular night they had a paint night). Then they open up showers and line up as many mattresses as they can and let them sleep for the night. As they were setting up their beds for the night a couple of homeless guys lifted a wallet in the air and started yelling, "Family! Someone lost their wallet! Who's wallet?" Another sense of community. They called each other "family" all night long. And they protect each other and take care of each other. 

I expected to go to Houston and give to the needy. I didn't expect the needy to give back to me. I didn't expect to be taught by them.

Throughout the trip we had numerous opportunities to interact or work along side people who were homeless, kids in an impoverished area, or men in rehab. We sorted clothes, cooked and served food, packed lunches, etc. We were helping meet a lot of physical needs. But throughout the entire trip, I kept thinking of a quote from a video I watched about poverty. The quote stated that, "The definition of poverty is a lack of friendship." Sure we can help with physical needs. But real friendships with these people can go a long way. The best things that happened all week for me was finding out their names and about their families and what they like to do. It was then that the walls I had built between us began to fall down.

Carley is 2!

My girl is 2 today! I LOVE LOVE LOVE my little sidekick. She is always with me, always happy, and always making me laugh or smile. We butt heads every once in a while, because we are so much alike, but I am thankful for her companionship. So here is a 2 year update...

Age: 2 years today!

Weight: about 22 pounds, wearing 24 month clothes and size 4 shoes

Feedings: depends on her mood! Some days she keeps that mouth clamped shut and wants only snack foods. I don't fight her. She'll eat when she is hungry. She loves to eat cheese, blueberries, bananas, applesauce, chips (and dip), mac n cheese, yogurt, and rice.

Favorites: She loves putting on her shoes by herself to get ready to go "soutside", Her favorite things to do outside are to look for bugs, jump on the trampoline, and knock her brothers ball off his T. She loves books and wants to be read to ALL the time. She loves any kind of teasing games like hide and seek, chasing, and she likes to hide her toys and see if we can find them. She loves to sing and smile. She also loves to help me clean. She will fold clothes with me or follow me around with a baby wipe to clean off tables and counters. :)

Least Favorites: She does not like eggs. She still doesnt like it when I rinse her hair in the tub. 

Issues: She is a hitter sometimes. Colin never has and still doesnt hit. But he stayed with a little old lady with just one other kid until he was 2 and 1/2. Carley has been in daycare the whole time, so I think she just sees it more. She is a tiny girl, so maybe thats her way of holding her own??? Were working on it though. We always say, "Stapletons don't hit." Even Colin tells her that.

Personality: VERY silly. I think both of my kids are really funny. But Colin isn't trying to be funny, he's just quirky and says silly stuff on accident. Carley is intentionally funny. She tries to make people laugh. She has grown to be more cuddly than she used to be (which of course I won't reject!) She is usually independent, confident, and content.

Areas to Work On: getting her to eat more and stop hitting

New Things: Her beloved "paddy" (pacifier) is officially gone. Its been almost a full week without it and shes done fairly well. She has the hardest time when its time to go to sleep. But we've replaced the comfort of paddy for the comfort of momma rocking her to sleep. I'm definitely ok with that! It sure is funny to hear her crying and admist the tears say, "Paddy's gone gone!" 

Randomness: Colin and Carley are having a combined party at the bowling alley next weekend. (Colins birthday is in about 3 weeks) I have NO idea what to get them for their birthdays. Ideas?

Happy Birthday, Lita! I am thankful God blessed our family with you. 

You are wonderfully made!

Summer...

As Phineas and Ferb would sing, "Summer...every single moment is worth its weight in gold! Summer...its like the world's greatest story and its waiting to be told!" 

Summer is (almost) here! I have 8 days of school left and that's only with about 6 or 7 students in my class. So I'd say I'm pretty much done. Im very excited about our summer. The kids will not be going to daycare so it will include things like... swimming, going to the library, maybe going to some museums, squeezing a few short trips in to Arlington, vacation bible school, a bowling birthday party for both kids, a beach vacation, and then shopping for uniforms for Kindergarten! The kids will also be staying with their grandparents for 2 (separate) weeks while Jeff and I go to youth camp and to a Houston mission trip.

Here is a little glimpse into what has happened the past few weeks...

 Carley LOVES going to Colin's tball games. She doesnt really watch him much though. She just paces around and rearranges her fold up chair 100 times. 

 The kids are all settled in their new beds! Colin has mastered getting up and down without falling. Carley has a hard time falling asleep, but once she is asleep, she never gets back up! 

 We bought the kids new water guns and spent all evening on Saturday playing, grilling, and eating out in the back. It was a blast!

This girl has my heart. She has the funnest personality! I'm so thankful for her.

Colin has been working on memorizing bible verses and has done pretty well. We focus on about one per month. I just got him out of the habit of saying, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your shoulder, and all your strength..." He kind of starts running the verses together toward the end of this video, but if you know anything about Colin, you know his thoughts all run together...like his dad. He also has a few short seizures at the beginning of the video, but doesn't miss a beat after it. I'm so thankful that so far, his seizures are minor and do not interfere too much with daily life.



Hope everyone has a great summer!

Just keep swimming...

The Notelpats life is running full force. We are very busy, but we are having fun and loving eachother. Here is a little glimpse into what has been going on...

Carley...she is a character. She is 22 months old. She will be 2 in June! I cannot believe how fast she is growing and changing. Some things she loves right now is "pushoos" (puzzles), reading books, taking her clothes off, running races with her brother, and she LOVES to sit in her fold up chair at Colin's tball games. It's actually Colin's chair...but I'm pretty sure she has claimed it and no one is allowed to sit in it but her. She is trying really hard to communicate lately, but doesn't speak clearly. So she gets frustrated when we don't understand. She has also become kind of picky and moody about food. Sometimes she eats supper...sometimes she doesn't. That bothers me, but I guess she'll eat when she is ready. One thing is for sure, you can't make her do anything. She'll do things when she is ready and if its her own idea. I have no idea where she got that from. :) I'm really enjoying my time with her lately. She's my little side kick. She goes to the grocery store with me, runs errands, follows me around the house when I clean, folds clothes with me. She's just calm and quiet and always with me. I like that. She does get loud and silly though when she plays with her brother and daddy. I am thankful for my little companion.

Colin...he is a different character! He will be 5 in July and will be starting Kindergarten! I'm a little sad that he has gotten that old, but excited that he will be going to school with me and that our child care expenses will be going down!! Some things he loves right now is tball games, playing basketball, listening to praise music/dancing, learning new verses, ping pong, Thomas the Train, "7 drink" (7-up), and going to Tumblebus at school. Pray for him, as he will be starting another medicine this week. His other medicine was working, but not enough. So we are adding another one. I'm apprehensive (like I was the first time) because of possible scary side effects. It's one thing for him to have side effects of upset tummy or dizziness. But when they talk about hallucinations,  personality/behavioral changes, etc. that bothers me. But he did well with this last medicine, so hopefully he won't have problems with the next.  The boy has always been this way, but more so lately...He LOVES his Daddy. He always wants to be with him and is devastated when he is gone. He's even been saying, "I want to ride/go with Daddy. But I'll still love you while I'm gone." I guess that's his way of telling me to not take it personally. Haha! I am thankful for my quirky, smart, sweet boy. I pray that he will do big things!

The Notelpat parental units are busy, busy, busy. It's constant communication between Jeff and I about scheduling, who is going to pick up what child and take this child here and this child there. But it always works out. I am thankful for a husband that pitches in and is actively involved. He gives baths, takes Colin to dr appointments, coaches tball, and even attempts to do Carley's hair....he tries atleast!

I've been trying to still squeeze in time for running. My awesome mom is lending me her treadmill for a while and that has made things easier for me to get running time in. I dread running, but once I start I really enjoy it and never regret doing it! I just wish I'd see results faster. But my main goal is not to lose weight but to tone. I'm doing this to have energy and to stretch out my bones. Chrons disease can cause stiff joints and I can tell a huge difference in that after I have run.

As far as our struggle that I've written about before about wondering what God has in store for our future, I've decided to chill out about it. I've spent so much time lately researching this option or that option. The Lord almost audibly said to me one day, "Don't seek an answer...seek me." I realized how different things would be if I spent as much time/energy digging and longing to find out more in his word rather than trying to figure out the next step in our life. I've done that this past week and it has been rewarding. The Lord will provide an opportunity for us in his time and I will continue to seek Him while we wait on Him.

What in the world...

I know I have blogged before about how I think everything is a great idea. I'm not apprehensive about much. I would move states or even countries, go back to school, change jobs, adopt, stay at home...I would do ANYTHING when it comes to life changes and following the Lord's calling. Most people say, "Oh that's a good thing! You must have an easy time obeying God." Ummm....not. It's because I've considered SO many options that I have a hard time obeying. I am easily distracted from what the Lord truly wants from my life because I am always daydreaming about "what if's." My mind is a racing jumbled mess of ideas that has left my heart unsettled and undirected. It's not that I don't want to obey, it's that I don't know what we're supposed to do. Jeff and I can see ourselves do a number of different things with our life. Our amazing pastor has said, "I can't imagine doing anything else but pastoring." ...I wish we could say that.

I know that God isn't as concerned as we are about the specifics of where we are living and our jobs and such. I know he just wants me to live a Christlike life and bring others to him wherever I am. I know that. But...I know that he also gives us talents, gifts, and desires to be used for his glory. And we are trying to figure out the best way for that to happen.

Here are some of my thoughts about what we desire as we struggle to find our place/direction. I thought that maybe if I narrowed down what we really desire rather than listing out places we want to go or things we want to do, then maybe things would be more clear.

1. I have to teach...in some form or fashion. It doesn't matter if it's with children in a public school, a sunday school class/small group at church, or even educating needy parents. It's what I do.

2. Jeff and I work together. I have a hard time separating myself from Jeff's ministry. I don't want to just be "the minister's wife." I want to be on the frontlines too. If it wasn't up to me to financially support our family, I would do ministry with Jeff all the time. But then again, I love my job too....See what I mean? It's confusing because I want to do it all!

3. Jeff is a visionary. He is creative and loves to dream and make things happen. But that desire can be fulfilled in 4 million ways. He could do a painting and temporarily fulfill that desire. So that's not real helpful in guiding us.

4. We are SO not good at this, but we do desire to be more relational with people. We want to make a difference in needy people's lives. Not helpful in guiding us either because there are people EVERYWHERE that need us.

*Sigh* So all of our desires seem so broad and can be used in so many different ways. Pray for us as we seek clarity and direction. No, we are not moving. I say that I would move anywhere, but I could also see myself living in Marshall for the rest of my life because I love the people here so much.

Lord, help me to put my well intentioned desires and plans aside and seek You. I want to obey you and please you with my whole life. So give me what I need to make you known today where I already am and give me guidance to make you known in the future.

"Many are the plans in a person's heart,

but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails." -Proverbs 19:21

Balance is for the birds...

My heart has been very unsettled lately. I feel like I'm not doing enough for the people whose lives I am supposed to be impacting everyday... my students and their families, the youth at my church, and even my husband and own children. I told Jeff last night that the only way I know how to explain it is that I feel like I'm just giving people an obligational pat on the back instead of a full on embrace. I have been racking my brain trying to figure out how I can fix this problem and end up feeling discouraged because its hard to balance it all without focusing too much on one area and ignoring another.

I absolutely know that I am not the only woman that struggles with this. But I am sick and tired of trying to balance the different areas of my life. I go to work and feel guilty that I'm not with my kids and wish I were with them. I go home with my family and feel guilty that I didn't stay a little later to really prepare for the next day for my students. I drop my kids off at a sitters to go to a youth event and feel guilty for leaving them. I bow out of a youth event to stay home with the kids and feel guilty that I wasn't there for the youth. And all throughout this day in day out process I am basically worrying and wishing life away.

We have always been told that we just need to find a good balance.

Well I am pretty convinced at this point in life that balance is not always a good thing. I have a hard time finding it in the first place. The few times that I do find it, I am constantly wondering how "balance" is glorifying to God.

So why not just chunk the whole idea of finding balance and dump all the different "lives" that I have and "roles" that I play into the same mixing bowl?

...I know. It doesn't really make sense to me yet either, but I am determined to try it and see if it makes a difference.

Why balance is a bad thing...

It is stifling. It puts time restraints and limits on how much of my heart I am going to give to something. Balance says that I will only give this amount of love/energy so that I won't feel guilty for not giving the same amount to this other person/thing. Sure that might be beneficial to ME...to protect my own feelings. But how in the world is that benefiting the good of others? Balance diminishes full potential and purpose. It leaves little room for God to work and give us strength in what we do when we are the ones trying to manage and control when and how much we are going to do and give.

"And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him." -Colossians 3:17

"I can do everything through him who gives me strength." - Philippians 4:13

I can only imagine that a person who fully embraces these 2 verses would have fewer problems integrating their roles into one big God glorifying purpose.

Now...I'm not really quite sure how this integration of roles in my life should look like. I have a few ideas. I envision my son playing with a needy kid in my class while I talk and build a relationship with the kid's mother. I've always wanted to do more with my job as a teacher and wanted to take it outside of school hours, but always thought, "No, I have a family...I can't do that." Well, why the heck not? Why not, bring my family along and have them build relationships with the other members of that family too? Same thing applies with youth ministry. Teenage girls (and boys too even) love being around my kids. And my kids are pro's at killing awkward silence when meeting one-on-one with a youth. Why not bring them along or invite a teenager over. My family should not have to be separated from that. And all the while, my kids would be seeing us building relationships and sharing God's love with others. In return, it would only be more natural for them to do that on their own when they are grown.

The above paragraph is my desire. I don't know if I can make that happen or not, but it sure does sound a lot more freeing and God-driven than finding "balance" in my life. What are your thoughts?